


Gnome is where the heart is, Rose red 3/3

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Fiction, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-16
Updated: 2003-08-16
Packaged: 2018-11-20 10:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11333895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: The boys break into Spender's greenhouse and find many pleasant and not so pleasant surprises.  Dana keeps Spender occupied while they're on their mission and meets Mr. X. when she attempts a rescue.





	Gnome is where the heart is, Rose red 3/3

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Gnome is where the heart is, Rose red 3/3

### Gnome is where the heart is, Rose red 3/3

#### by laurel

  


Notes: Again, a big thank you to Ursula, for your wonderful feedback, your advice and your dedication to this fun, fine craft. 

Warning: Again, my gardening knowledge is limited, so any errors are mine. Also a violence and squickiness warning in this part. But don't worry, a happy ending is had by nearly all. A few surprise guests appear. 

Archive: Okay to WWOMB, anyone else just ask first. 

Spoilers: First two parts of the story. 

Dana was told the very bare minimum about their plan. She trusted Fox and Alex completely and put her unique skills to work. 

She went over to the Spender house on the pretence of borrowing sugar for a pie she had to make in order to distract Mr. Spender for the short amount of time required to pick his pocket. She knew he kept his keys in the sweater he wore every day, just like Mr. Rogers. 

"Good evening Dana, what a pleasant surprise," he greeted her effusively. "Please come in. I hope you won't be bored with my company tonight. My wife has gone out." 

"Not at all. Where did she go?" 

Dana knew that Diana was a member of several charity committees. She didn't think that the husband and wife parted with much of their money though. 

"Uh, she's out with friends." 

"How lovely. I confess I need a favor." 

Dana eyed the sweater. It was a green and brown weave, with deep pockets. He jingled as he walked further into the house. 

"Oh, what can I do for you?" 

"I need to borrow some sugar," she said sheepishly. 

"No problem at all." 

"I was right in the middle of making a pie and wouldn't you know it, I ran right out." 

"Think nothing of it. Anything for a friend." He smiled his ghastly smile. His teeth were tinged with tobacco. He led the way inside the house. 

It was entirely decorated in shades of white with neutral furniture in shades of almond and cream. There was no color anywhere. Dana felt as though she was trapped in the padded room of a mental institution. 

She laughed nervously. "It's so white," she nearly squealed. 

"I prefer a bare canvas for my flowers." 

She looked around and noted with apprehension that not one single stem was in sight. 

"I haven't cut any today," he explained. "Perhaps you'd help me pick out a bouquet." 

"Uh, no! I mean to say, that is, I need to get back to my baking." 

She hated telling little white lies, but she'd do anything for Fox. 

"I understand. Another day then." He smiled around his ever present cigarette. 

She wondered if he smoked in his sleep. He could probably do it without setting the sheets on fire. Then she shuddered at the thought of Spender in bed. She hoped he wore pajamas. 

He smiled around the wreath of smoke that curled and coiled in front of his face like a screen. She coughed discreetly. "Don't worry my dear, it's but a momentary smoke." 

He turned on his heel and led the way to the kitchen. While he rummaged for the bag of sugar in the top cupboard, Dana deftly and quickly reached into his pocket. Her heart gave a leap of triumph as she plucked them out. 

Spender turned and was startled to find Dana right behind him. 

"I love that cologne," she stammered. "What is it? I'd love to buy a bottle for Fox's birthday." 

She clutched the keys behind her back in a tight clump so that they wouldn't jangle. 

"It's called Desert Breeze." 

"What an unusual top note." She sniffed the air. 

"That's the Tunisian myrrh." 

"I see. I've never heard of it although I'm sure Alex would be familiar with it. He knows so much about flowers and plants. Oh good, brown sugar." 

She pocketed the keys while he poured it out into her proffered cup. 

"Alex does have quite the green thumb," Spender said casually. "Well at least one." He began to laugh at his little cruel joke then stopped and quickly changed the subject. "Perhaps you wouldn't mind some company. I could keep the children entertained while you're in the kitchen." 

She smiled tightly. Christ she didn't want her children to suck up all that smoke! On the other hand, the man seemed a bit suspicious and she would gladly distract him while Fox and Alex were poking around his gardens and greenhouses. 

"Of course. Actually the children have play dates I believe but you're welcome to come over and keep me company." 

"I'll see you in a bit, then." 

He let her out the door and she quickly walked back home. Fox helped her gather baking supplies then left the house with the stolen keys. She called one of the children's friends to arrange an impromptu play date and shooed the children out the door before Mr. Spender arrived. 

The three men watched as Spender left his house, locking the door, and rattling the knob, then made his way to Fox's. They let several minutes pass before they ventured out. Alex led the way. He was most familiar with Spender's yard and he knew which key unlocked the fence. Walter had put on sunglasses and a baseball hat in case Spender saw him. He wouldn't be able to place him right away if they were spied. 

They were in a panic though when they couldn't figure out the keys that belonged to the first greenhouse. They had to get in before accessing the rest of them. It was Fox's mathematical reasoning that led him to figure out the sequence of keys they needed to use. Spender was a paranoid man. 

The first warehouse was filled with an assortment of plants. They weren't unusual by any means and Walter was disappointed but he knew they would find something much more damaging in the other rooms. Alex frowned as he perused the usual assortment of tools. There were hoes and rakes, brooms and spades, all hung up on peg boards. The floor and counters were clean. Bags of peat moss and manure were lined up in one corner. He cast a wary eye at Walter. Yeah, sinister stuff, mister. 

The second greenhouse they entered was dark. Not dark as in the lights are off and no one is home, but the plants and flowers inside were of a hue so deep and dark that it was as if a black hole had been created inside the slightly humid atmosphere and sucked all the light away. 

Alex gasped as he recognized some of the specimens. They were beautiful, black as night, glistening purple black in the dimness. It was thought to be impossible. Black was not a color that existed in nature. Black was devoid of color. It was in theory, not even a color. It didn't really exist in nature naturally. And even then, it was shades of darkness, really. It was blue-black, maroonblack, purple-black, not this deep ink stain of petals and leaves that blotted out the remaining light in the greenhouse. 

It gave him an eerie feeling, like something was watching him, or about to attack him, almost as if the plants breathed in his oxygen, stealing it out of his lungs as if they craved life as well as light. Alex shivered violently. Walter patted his back. He knew exactly what his lover was feeling. It was a strange place and he shuddered at the thought that it would only get weirder. 

Even Fox, who didn't know much about gardening, was a little freaked out. He'd never seen so many black plants before. He liked the black tulips that Alex planted around the bright pink ones to surround his magnolia tree and the other plants that he experimented with in his garden, to contrast light and dark, like those coleus with contrasting pink, gold and green-leafed varieties planted next to each other along with silver-leafed Dusty Miller or those dark poppies next to the silvery white money plants but this was unlike anything he'd ever seen before. It was sinister. That was the only word for it. 

They hurried out of that greenhouse and went into the next through the connecting hall. They realized now that the immense back yard contained a labyrinth of greenhouses, hidden from view by the frosted glass and the high fences surrounding most of it from prying eyes. 

Fox prayed that Dana was doing a good job of keeping Mr. Spender occupied. He didn't like to think what the old man would do if he knew trespassers were on his property. 

The next house seemed fine. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Alex's attention was taken by row upon row of pretty cactus, all with lethal thorns shooting out of their succulent bodies. He got close to one specimen that didn't sport any spines and played his fingers over the pliant flesh of the plant only to discover a sharp thorn deep inside that seemed to be triggered at his touch. He yelped in pain and withdrew his hand, sucking at the blood that sprang from his skin. 

Walter hurried over to him to see what had happened. They both stepped back from the benches filled with dangerous plants. 

"Let's go check out the next one," Fox suggested. 

He was a bit on the clumsy side and he didn't want to hang around to see what would happen if he were to trip and stumble onto one of those cacti. They hurried out, shutting off the light as they entered the next greenhouse. 

This one wasn't much better. No lethal thorns in sight but the putrid smell given off in the humid air attacked their noses. Right in the middle of the steamy room, filled with rotting Petunias and decaying roses, was the strangest plant they were to see. It was quite tall, with a phallic shaft springing up from the middle of it. It was in full bloom, with the stench of rotting corpses coming from its depths. 

Alex gasped. "My god that's an amorphophallos titanum!" 

"A who?" 

"Corpse flower, they call it," Walter explained. 

Fox held his nose. "Good name." 

The beautiful, towering flower gave off a stench worse than a sewer. It was the smell of death. 

Alex cupped a hand over his mouth and nose and examined it closer. "Eeeep!" he squeaked. He stumbled backwards. 

The plant had morphed into something resembling a giant Venus Flytrap. It was like something out of a horror movie. Like that B-movie with Jack Nicholson 

The giant trap sprang up out of the phallic center. It snapped its jaws as its "head" turned. The jaws bobbed a bit then wavered, as if sniffing the air for fresh meat. 

Alex gave a groan that would have been a scream if he had enough air in his lungs. "It wants to eat us!" he rasped out. 

Walter tried to calm him down but his own irrational fear prevented him from doing a very good job. Christ, it did seem as if the plant was following their every move as they backed away. 

"Let's try something," Fox said. 

"What?" Walter asked. 

"An experiment. See if it really eats flesh." 

"What, like an insect, you mean?" 

"Sure. It's a greenhouse. There must be plenty of bugs around here," he surmised. He began to look around while holding his nose with one hand. "Here," he dug into one of the plastic trays filled with slimy petunias. He held up a little, wriggling worm. "Catch," he called out to the plant as he flung the worm at the trap. 

The plant bobbed and snatched the worm in mid-air. Fox gasped. Walter did too, although he looked fascinated as hell. Alex just looked like he was about to faint. He tugged at both their arms and pleaded with his dark green eyes. Speech failed him. He couldn't even gasp, he was so petrified. Walter propelled him forward. Fox locked the door behind them. He had a last look at the horrid plant which seemed as if it was smacking its mouth. He shuddered and opened the next door. 

Alex slid against the door and tried not to pass out. He shivered and cried a little until Walter took him into his arms and comforted him. The only sound he could make was a whimper. He made a valiant effort not to vomit and barely succeeded. Fox patted his arm. His own heart was pounding with adrenaline. He knew how easily scared Alex was. He couldn't sit through a single horror movie without closing his eyes. Even ghost stories freaked him out. 

They relaxed a bit before exploring the room they were in. Walter held Alex in his lap. This room didn't seem ominous at all. There were no plants or flowers in sight. Instead there was a work-bench and tool kit as well as patio furniture. They all sat quietly, each contemplating the weird and horrible things they had seen. None of them was eager to explore further. 

Alex jumped up off of Walter's lap. He pointed to the work-bench. 

"What is it baby?" Walter was ready to defend Alex's life if need be. Was it some crazy plant or flesh-eating flower? He saw only a flash of red inside a plain cardboard box. 

Alex courageously ventured closer. He gave a sigh of relief. "It's only a gnome." 

"A gnome!" Walter exploded and rushed forward. "What if it's a real person? Oh shit, I hope it's not my supervisor. Who the hell is going to kiss him?" 

"It's a girl gnome," Alex said. "No need to worry. Funny thing though." 

"What's that?" Fox asked. 

"There's an international society for gnomes and they absolutely dislike female gnomes. Only males allowed." 

"You're kidding. Some people have no lives," Fox said sadly. 

"She is cute." Alex picked up the figurine and studied it. He'd never had a female, gnome or person. The lady gnome was a pretty, plump thing with a red dress and a white apron that was decorated with polka dots. Her dark hair was a wild mass around her face. The face itself was plump with straight eyebrows and dark eyes, a heavy-lidded gaze that spoke of secrets but her smile was sad. Sad as Walter's had been. Alex gasped and set the figurine down with shaking hands. 

"What is it?" 

"Doesn't she look familiar?" 

Walter shrugged. 

Fox looked closer. "It kind of looks like...holy shit!" 

"Yeah," Alex agreed with a breathless whisper. 

"Who is it?" 

"Diana," they both gasped in unison. 

Fox looked alarmed and Alex's face was paler than before. Walter simply looked puzzled. 

"Who's Diana?" he asked. 

"Spender's wife," Fox whispered. 

"Oh, yes, I've seen a picture of her with him." 

"I'll bet he did it to piss off the international association for the protection of the garden gnome!" 

"To what purpose?" 

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. He gave me Walter in gnome form maybe as some sick prank. Maybe he thought Diana would infiltrate the association and do something wicked." 

Fox rolled his eyes. "You've been watching too many crappy spy movies, my friend." 

Walter's eyebrow rose. His boyfriend was a geek. Albeit a sexy gorgeous one. "I'm sure he did it for a better reason than that." 

"Like what?" 

"Maybe she caught him in some nefarious deed." 

"Or maybe she demanded a raise for her fox allowance." 

"What the heck is that?" Walter sputtered. Had he stumbled into some kind of wife-swapping orgy? 

"Fox fur. She has about six already," Alex explained. 

"Oh, fur coats. I see." 

"How do we change her back? It's supposed to be a true love's kiss right? Unless we can find Spender's device," Alex mused. 

"Perhaps one of the dead presidents would appeal?" Fox joked, alluding to her love of money and all the fine things that could be bought with it. 

"Looks like she's stuck then unless we force him to transform her back." 

They decided to venture further into the labyrinth and brought Diana along. Each room was stranger than the last. There were plants that Alex had to confess in not being able to identify. Strange alien plants that looked like they'd been transplanted from Mars. He clung to Walter fearfully as plants skittered in the shadows, just out of sight. Fox brought up the rear, looking back over his shoulder with wide hazel eyes. He hadn't been this freaked since his inhaling days at college. 

Alex was torn between curiosity and paralyzing fear. Only Walter's strong arm around his seemed to propel him forward. He studied the plants from what he thought was a safe enough distance. The damn things could move and bite, as he'd discovered with the cactus. He handed Diana to Walter to hold. He didn't trust Fox. The man was notoriously clumsy. Sure he was a long-distance runner and he swam like a fish, but bitter sweet memories of high school led to the inevitable comparison to a gangly colt who couldn't stand up without tripping over his big feet. You know what they say about men with big feet-they have big sneakers. 

When he attempted to snip off a couple of flowers and leaves from a specimen that looked like it had escaped from a Las Vegas showgirl's head (celosia fused with a mimosa tree's delicate pink fluff of flower, Alex mused) the plant shrieked and bristled. He dropped the feathery flower stalk which gleamed like squirrel grass in the low light and jumped back. He apologized to the plant and fled. 

Accusatory stalks rustled at the violation and they turned towards the offender as one. They bristled with indignation at their fellow brother's rude dismemberment. 

Walter pulled Fox by the hand, got a good grip on Diana and they ran. 

Alex took a moment to catch his breath. In doing so he leaned against a seemingly ordinary tree with gnarled roots that broke the concrete surface of the floor. He felt a sudden fountain of water splash across his pants leg. He frowned and jumped. It wasn't the tree springing a leak. It was Jeffrey, the dog, taking a leak. Alex was relieved for a moment when he realized it was just Spender's pooch and not some new nefarious plant out to kill him. All of a sudden a tree branch whipped out and smacked the dog on the butt. The tree had gotten a sprinkling too. 

"It's alive!" Alex shrieked and ran head long into Walter. "Did you see the tree? It hit Jeffrey!" 

"Who's Jeffrey?" 

"The dog." 

"Oh yeah, the same one that peed on me." Walter eyed the innocent looking pup darkly. 

"He's a dog. It's what they do," Fox replied. "They pee on everything." 

"And everyone," Walter added. 

"Let's go on. I can't take much more of this. We've seen Venus flytrap mutant plants, plants that scream, including that trumpet vine that sounded like Louise Armstrong. What's next?" Fox whined. 

"We'd better take Jeffrey with us I suppose," Alex said slowly. 

"I guess," Walter agreed reluctantly. 

He put Diana down on a nearby bench. Jeffrey hopped up and nuzzled the figurine then gave it a big wet slurp of a kiss. 

"Yuck," Alex said in place of the silent, unfortunate Diana. He brushed his sleeve over her face to dry her off. 

The next room was empty except for a strange device in one corner that resembled an evil dentist's chair. There was also a plain wooden desk and cupboards. Walter poked through the cupboards and desk, finding the requisite pens and paper clips along with vials and specimen bottles which were neatly stacked. He studied the labels on the vials but didn't recognize the medications. His knowledge was confined to pesticides and fertilizers and their chemical components. He did recognize the categories of the drugs however. There were anxiolytics, sedatives, anticholinergics. He really didn't want to know to what purpose they were used. Sterile syringes were individually sealed and a sharps container that rattled when he shook it testified that the drugs had been used. 

Alex studied the device. It was black and chrome, slightly erotic looking but at the same time frightening. There were probes, a black leather chair, straps. It looked like some sort of sexual or torture device, perhaps both. Actually it resembled something out of a William Burroughs novel. There were prongs labeled extractor and opposite those, inversion. He was not tempted to sit on it. 

Walter paled as he approached the chair. "My God, I remember being in that thing!" 

"What do you remember?" Alex asked. 

"He gave me a shot and strapped me into it. I really don't remember much. He was telling me how it worked but I had a big lump on my head and a headache that rivaled the morning after martini night at Trix, so I didn't absorb much." 

"What happened next?" Fox asked. 

"I don't know. He must have started the process then. It's as if I was trapped inside my body and I couldn't move or speak. After that I could feel him move me around and he put me in that box. I was scared to death. I don't understand why I didn't suffocate or smother but the next thing I saw was your face when you opened the box. I could hear you talking and see you but I was helpless to do anything." 

Alex touched his arm gently in sympathy. "How could he be so cruel?" 

Walter didn't have an answer, but allowed Alex to hold him for comfort. He wasn't used to being on the receiving end but Alex's arms felt good wrapped around him. He continued his story. "I can remember the rain. I didn't know at first it was from the sprinkler that Alex turned on. Then I felt Jeffrey pee on me." He gave the dog a dirty look. "I can remember you washing me off though and when you kissed me you released me. It was the most amazing feeling in the world." 

He gave Alex a tender kiss. Alex melted into his arms and pulled Walter closer, oblivious to Fox's presence. Fox gave them a moment by squatting down and petting the dog. 

Before they ventured further, Walter paused to make more notations and change the roll of film in his camera. He'd already used up two rolls to take pictures of the plants and device. He took some files with him as well. The whole process took close to an hour. Fox and Alex helped him when they could and when Walter needed to concentrate they spoke quietly about anything but Spender's projects. 

They moved into the next greenhouse. Alex was delighted with it. The whole room was full of poppies in the most brilliant colorsriotous reds, vibrant oranges, brilliant yellow. He touched the fragile paper-like petals marveling at the feel and look of the flowers. As of a single unit the flowers fluttered and blew silken pollen through the air which made a deep yellow trail that lazily drifted. 

They all yawned and felt drowsy as the pollen continued to fill the air. Too late, the three men noticed the gas mask hanging on the wall. They looked at each other as their sight wavered and their eyes closed and sleep overtook them. Walter had time only to curse before they hit the floor with a thud. He did manage to hold onto the gnome as he passed out. 

* * *

"Gin! I win again," Spender cried out. 

Dana smiled graciously and looked at her watch for the fiftieth time. Where have you gone? Fox, Alex and his new boyfriend had been gone for over two hours. The kids were home and in bed. What had happened to her husband friends? And more importantly, how much longer could she keep Mr. Spender occupied? They'd already eaten a slice of the pie she'd been forced to bake. He hadn't even complained about the eggshells she had neglected to remove or the overly floury texture or the cherry pits left in the pie. Who knew that they came already pitted? So she missed picking out a couple, big deal, no one had almost died. This was a mild transgression. Not like that time Salmonella poisoning had sent half the community council to the emergency room. Oh well, she was no chef and they all damn well knew it. She put the kettle on for more tea. 

* * *

Alex and Fox rubbed their eyes sleepily and they took a few moments to figure out where they were and why. Fox went to check on the dog who was curled up nearby. Alex went to wake Walter but found a beautiful naked woman lying on his lap. Her dark hair covering her face obliterated her features. He brushed it off and was shocked to discover it was indeed Diana, even though it hadn't come as a complete surprise. She murmured in her sleep then bolted upright, as did Walter. 

"We need to get out of here. The flowers made us sleep. It's just like that scene in the wizard of OZ," Alex whispered. 

All three stared at the naked woman, who covered herself modestly with her hands. 

"Here, take this," Walter offered her the plaid shirt he wore over his t-shirt. It hung to her thighs like a dress. 

Alex looked at her puzzled. "How did you change back? You didn't go into the contraption." 

All four of them though hard for a moment then looked down at Jeffrey who was wagging his tail. It made a loud thumping sound against the ground. 

"Yuck!" they exclaimed as one. Diana fainted. The implicationn made them shudder. Walter picked up Diana and spread her out on the bench to revive her. He didn't have any water so he used his cap to fan her face. 

Alex and Fox tried not to look at the dog, who was now biting at fleas. They tried to keep him quiet so as not to disturb the poppies again. He growled at the fleas and his frustration at not being able to get at them so Alex knelt and started rubbing his fur vigorously. "Hope I don't catch them," he whispered. 

When Diana awoke, they gently pestered her with questions about her husband's experiments. Unfortunately she couldn't tell them much. He kept his secrets carefully to himself. Except for one major find that could have exposed him: the chemical that allowed DNA to be extracted. He was able to manipulate the material and through complex chemistry he could match the tiniest bit of genetic material and discover romantic compatibility. 

The implications were staggering. Dating games and sleazy reality television shows were in jeopardy. Diana had threatened to destroy his work so her husband had to silence her. 

"What does it have to do with flowers?" Walter asked. 

"Nothing. It was a byproduct of his research and he used it to transform people in garden decorations. He absolutely loathes them! Once I tried to put a pinwheel into a pot of geraniums and he threw a fit. I'd always liked them when I was a kid. They're so whimsical. I didn't think he'd really mind just one, but he put his fist through the wall and he told me I would be next. So now he's dispatching his enemies." 

"Why not just kill people who get in his way. Seems like an awful lot of trouble." 

"He likes a challenge. Besides he thought it was much more cruel to trap and imprison people like caged rats inside of the garden gnomes, instead of just painlessly killing them." She laughed bitterly. "If it wasn't for you and Jeffrey, I would have been stuck forever." 

"Do you think he got rid of anyone else?" Alex asked anxiously. 

"Let me look at the files I took." Walter riffled through them and found the chart he was looking for. "There's a short list of names here. It's a little hard to figure out. Look's like it's in some form of shorthand." 

"Let me see," Diana demanded. 

She studied the names and abbreviations and was able to come up with an explanation of everything noted down in Spender's careful hand writing. "These are all chemical compositions. I assume this has got to gender and age. Oh my goodness, Mrs. Barrett is a gnome too!" 

"She's been gone for a week now. She's supposed to be at her sister's house in Albany." 

"What does this mean, next to Roger Van Houten?" 

"What happened to Roger?" Alex demanded. 

"He's been turned into...." 

"What?" 

"A pink flamingo." 

"A what? Are you sure?" he exploded. 

"It says right here, Alex," Diana pointed out gently. "I'm sorry, I know he's a good friend." 

"Oh, no," he groaned. "Spender gave David a flamingo last week. His own husband! The bastard! Roger left for a business conference and David was a little worried he hadn't heard from him. Now we know why." 

"I need to call my boss right away." Walter dug his cell phone out of his pocket. 

Alex snuck into the next room without his knowledge and told Fox and Diana to stay put. 

He gasped out loud in absolute wonderment. The entire place was filled with roses. Every variety was represented as well as every color, including combinations that were unusual and startling but beautiful. He slowly walked through the rows of plants, marveling at the colors. Everything from innocent white to the darkest maroon and everything in between. There was an odd but striking one that caught his eye. It had tangerine-pink frills fading to pale lavender then blue petals, just like a sky painted with the sweetest sunset hues. 

And the smell! It was indescribably beautiful, an enticing mixture of ripe strawberries and peaches mixed with the sweetest, most delicate perfume. He couldn't stop sniffing the air. Even the feel of the flowers was exquisite. They were softer than silk and velvet. It was as though the flowers were caressing his skin back. 

There didn't seem to be anything evil or wicked about these flowers. There was no sleeping gas, no shrieks of rage, not even a single thorn. No thorns! Not one single one. Alex laughed in delight. He had pricked his fingers hundreds of times and now he could run his hands over these specimens and not be harmed. He ran up and down the rows, feasting his eyes and nose on the sights and scents of the glorious roses. 

There was one side effect that he seemed to ignore entirely. He felt at first a bit light headed, giddy even, as if he'd drunk some fine wine and it was sending a mellow buzz through his veins. He climbed on top of the long bench that held dozens of pots and snuggled into several pots that he upturned sideways. Soil spilled out and sprinkled down the bench, some landing on his cheek. He stuck his nose into an intoxicating burgundy bloom and smelled deeply. Euphoria such as he'd never felt before over took him, making his heart race, even as he drowsed. This was the state of nirvana, attempted by many, achieved by few. It was better than sex or chocolate. It was even better than eating chocolate while having sex. 

He closed his eyes as he grew dizzier. The scents called up exotic lands, crossing the oceans to the birthplace of roses The history of this celebrated flower imprinted itself in his mind, from the first petal torn away by wind and eager hands to its most exquisite species bred by man. 

All that mattered now was the soft touch of the petals on his face and the exhilarating scent that filled his nose. He fell into a deep sleep. 

* * *

"Where did Alex go?" Walter asked. 

Fox watched Diana with one eye (she still seemed a bit in shock) and Jeffrey the dog, who was licking himself, with the other. "He went into the next room." 

"You let him go by himself?" 

"It seems harmless. Just roses. Besides it's the last room. I haven't heard a peep from him. I'm sure he's fine," he reassured the angry man. 

Walter rushed to his lover and found him unconscious. He checked him for injuries but found none. He carried Alex into the other room. Fox rushed to his aid, obviously distraught and mumbled his apologies over and over to both Walter and his friend. 

"I know you didn't think anything bad would happen to him Fox. Just help me wake him up." 

"Do you have any idea what happened?" 

"I'd guess some kind of sleeping gas again, but the odd thing is he was curled up on the bench like a kitten." 

"We need to get out of here. He probably just needs some fresh air." 

Diana hovered over them and nodded her agreement. She grabbed Jeffrey's leash. 

"My boss is on the way. He'll be here soon with the rest of the containment team." 

"Good. Can you carry him?" 

"Sure. Let's get the hell out of here." 

* * *

Dana struggled to keep Mr. Spender entertained and in her house. They tired of gin rummy and had gone on to poker which he seemed to greatly enjoy. He had a great poker face. He also had a great face for radio, Dana thought. Her mind wandered frequently through the card games. She couldn't help but worry about the boys. 

Spender would end up leaving with his pockets a little heavier, that was for sure. They had another slice of pie and more tea, talked of everything from neighborhood gossip to politics. He was a republican. Figures. 

She had exhausted her supply of funny medical stories, from foreign objects shoved up little kids' noses to surgeries gone awry and he had completed his tirade on lawn ornaments. 

Dana couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't afford to have him out of her sight but all that tea had to come out. She excused herself and ran to the bathroom. 

Now Spender had had a lot of time to think during the long evening. Dana's constant chatter, her uncharacteristic baking, the silly excuse to borrow sugar, her husband's long jaunt out, it all started adding up in his brain. He reached into his sweater and couldn't find his ring of keys. Now that would be the piece de resistance. Those meddling Mulders would make nice matching gnomes for any garden. 

When she returned to the kitchen, he was gone. 

* * *

Walter carried Alex, who was moaning and squirming as if in the grip of a sex dream, through several rooms before he opened his eyes. Diana, Fox and Jeffrey trailed behind closely. 

Alex giggled and nuzzled into Walter. 

"What happened back there?" 

"I don't know but I feel tingly all over, especially my naughty parts," he whispered. 

Walter tried to ignore Alex's tongue in his ear. He was starting to feel tingly too. 

Alex recovered from his mishap shortly and was able to walk on his own, though he was still weak. They had reached the greenhouse with the corpse flower. The smell alone could cut through his dazed stupor. The door on the opposite side began to open. 

* * *

The first thing he had to do is check the greenhouse. If Fox was still in there, he'd turn the nosy little bastard into a gnome and give him to Alex. What a coup that would be! Next on his list was to plant a small patch of his special roses and unleash their effect on a small control group. Why he could create the world's most exquisite and costly perfume. It would do what pheromones had purported and failed to accomplish. The poppies would be harvested next. He could successfully and non-violently rob banks of millions of dollars with their sleeping powder. He could buy a new wife to fulfill her marriage duties. Someone clueless and dumb, unlike the clever Diana. No, forget that, a mistress would be much better, forget the wife! 

He found the spare keys in his safe and began to unlock the sequence to the greenhouse. 

Dana got a brief glimpse of Spender disappearing into the greenhouse. She rushed over but the door was already locked. Her futile knocks went unanswered. She had no choice. It was up to her now to help Fox and their friends, so she hurried back to the house, found her cell phone, grabbed the tool kit and locked the door behind her, prepared for a break-in. 

* * *

Spender entered the first room warily. He grabbed the spare gas mask just in case and a sharp knife to defend himself against his intruder as well as any plants that might want to take a bite out of their creator. 

He entered the next room, smiling to himself. Perhaps Fox would make a nice ceramic frog. Or one of those giant butterflies that people attached to their houses. His smile grew wider. Or a pink flamingo. That would be perfect for his flaming fairy friend Alex. He laughed out loud. Or a pinwheel! His dear wife's favorite. He was simply overwhelmed with the possibilities. 

He found himself in the same room as the Titanum flytrap hybrid. It was crossed with a strange little plant he'd discovered in the Amazon. It hadn't even been named yet. Perhaps he'd name it after his departed wife. Diana was goddess of the hunt, after all. 

* * *

"Ma'am, may I ask what you're doing?" 

Dana was startled. She dropped the little screwdriver she was using to try to pry open the greenhouse lock. 

"Uh, nothing. Who are you?" She nonchalantly picked up the tool and started in on the lock again. "I've locked myself out you see." 

"I'm Mr. X. I suggest you back away from the door and let us get inside." 

She gulped. "Mr. X?" her voice wavered. 

The tall black man grinned. "Actually it's Xavier. I just think Mr. X sounds cool. That's what my employees call me." He held up a badge. "I'm from the E.P.A. I'm investigating a case here. 

"You're Walter's boss aren't you?" 

"That's right. They're still in here?" 

"Yes. I was trying to get in. My husband and his friend are in there too. Mr. Spender locked the door behind him. I'm scared to think what he might do when he finds them." 

"Don't worry. We'll take care of the situation. I've been briefed by Walter as to the danger of this case. It's a code red I'm afraid. But don't worry. My team will contain the scene and Mr. Spender." 

Several men in containment suits, looking just like astronauts landing on the moon, were gathered in a group. A couple of men in impeccable suits gathered closer. They smiled at her politely and introduced themselves in British accents. 

"Mr. Camier and Mr. Murphy, two of my finest agents," Mr. X said proudly. 

The older one with the homely face smiled. That was a great face for radio, for sure. They seemed nice enough though. 

Dana let Xavier and his team break the lock. It took a few minutes to drill through it and snap it open. 

* * *

Spender dropped the mask in shock. He had the knife, which was long, sharp and wickedly curved, but it was an unevenly matched fight. It was three against one, unless of course you counted Diana, which would make it four. 

He didn't have time to wonder how Diana and that nosy Mr. Skinner had returned to human form. Skinner knocked the knife out of his hand while he was debating that and picked up the old man. He tossed him in the air, yelling "catch" at the mutant plant, which caught him and trapped him between its strong jaws. 

Spender gave a strangled scream. The plant clamped down and began to devour him. It was certainly hungry. Probably hadn't been fed much lately. It continued to munch away, unlike a flyptrap which sucked the proteins out its victims and discarded its outer shell. 

Alex wondered what other plant it could have been mixed with to create such a monster. It was the only thought that prevented him from vomiting or fainting. 

Everyone turned away at the sickening crunch of bones and the slurping noise the plant made as it smacked its mouth. It gave a great burp and all manner of bits of clothing, skeletal remains and jewelry were spit out. Fox picked up the Rolex watch. The others gave him a dirty look. "What? He won't need it." 

There was a loud banging as Mr. X and company broke through the reinforced door. They cautiously walked through the greenhouse. Dana trailed behind them. 

Alex picked up a necklace with a strange pendant on it. "What's this?" It was intricately carved with a symbol that looked like a noble dog's head. 

"Actually that belongs to me, now." 

They were startled to see a naked man standing before them, a slim tall man with dark curly hair, a big nose and puppy dog eyes. 

Xavier reached the room they were all standing in. "Skinner, do you have the scene contained? Where's Spender?" 

The team fanned out and began to search the rest of the greenhouses. 

"He's in there." Walter pointed to the giant plant. The plant gave off a terrible odor, worse than before, and began to rapidly decay. It collapsed upon itself, giving a whimper of despair before it closed its mouth and rotted into a big pile of muck. 

"You think he gave it indigestion?" Fox asked. 

"No doubt," Walter replied. 

Dana was overjoyed to see her husband and ran up to him, throwing her arms around his neck. "Honey, are you all right?" 

"I am now." 

"So who are you and where did Jeffrey go?" Alex asked puzzled. 

Diana shrieked "Jeffrey, where have you been?" 

He undid the collar from around his neck and threw the leash on the floor with distaste. "I've been right here all along." 

"You're a dog?" Alex sputtered. 

"Was. Spender put a curse on me." He dangled the chain with the pendant around his finger. "He used this Anubis pendant to turn me into a canine. Once he died, the curse was broken. Thanks guys." He turned to Walter and shook his hand. 

"I want an immediate explanation," Xavier ordered. "Boys, study every inch of this place. I want a preliminary report ASAP." 

Camier and Murphy held pens poised over clipboards. 

"Who are they Walter?" Alex whispered. 

"They're from the agency." 

"God, they look like assassins." 

"They're among the finest scientists in the country. I suggest we take this inside the house," Walter addressed his boss. "We have a lot to explain. I'd really like to ask Jeffrey here some questions especially." 

"I'll find you something to wear," Alex offered. 

"That'd be great." 

"Don't go to too much trouble," Diana purred. She held onto Jeff's arm and gazed into his dark eyes. 

"How do you two know each other?" Alex asked. 

"He was my husband's research assistant. He simply disappeared months ago. Not long after, he brought the dog home." 

"I'll go make some coffee, darling. Would you like to meet us in the house, Mr. Xavier?" Dana asked. 

"That'd be wonderful." 

Dana and Mr. X headed to the house along with Diana. She gaze a smoldering glance at Jeff. 

"Doesn't look like she'll be wearing widow's weeds for long," Dana muttered under her breath. 

"Doesn't look like she'll be wearing much for long," Mr. X. chortled. 

"So Jeff, any regrets at turning back into a person?" Fox asked. 

He looked down at his crotch. "Well, there is that thing about being able to lick yourself." 

Alex blushed a deep red, Walter grunted with distaste and Fox just laughed. 

"You know some guys can do that. I mean if you're long enough and flexible...." He shut up after seeing the weird looks he was getting. "I'm just saying it can be done." 

It took several hours for Walter to tell his story to his boss. Everyone interjected at certain points to clarify something or give their own input. It would take at least several days to clear out the greenhouse and study Spender's files and much more time to discover just exactly what he'd been up to. In the morning they would turn Roger and Mrs. Barrett back into people and return them home. 

Xavier returned to the greenhouse, Diana invited Jeff to spend the night in her house, Fox and Dana bade good night to Alex and Walter, who retreated to his house. 

Walter would help the team out tomorrow but right now he needed some much needed rest. 

He took a quick shower, turning the past days' events over and over in his head. He was disappointed that Spender was gone but considering everything that had happened, he thought it was probably meant to be. 

He found Alex already in bed by the time he was finished. Alex was sitting under the covers looking sleepily at a beautiful crimson rose he held. 

"Alex! What are you doing with that?" he yelled. 

Alex dropped the flower, causing a thorn to prick him. "It's mine Walter, from my garden." 

He sucked at the little wound in his finger. 

"Sorry." Walter looked sheepish. "I thought it was from Spender's." 

"It's amazing that something so innocent could be so dangerous," he mused. 

Walter sat on the bed next to him, put the rose back into its vase and kissed Alex's injury. 

"I know exactly what you mean darling." 

Alex looked up at him and smiled and then pounced on his naked lover. 

Walter kissed him back, his exhaustion suddenly departing. There was plenty of time to catch up on sleep.   
  

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to laurel


End file.
